Why do we call it piles?

Because we can't spell haemorrhoids!

At one time or another in your life, you will probably experience this ailment.

I don't know if it is the same in your country, but here it often generates a certain amount of hilarity from those around you.

Then again the British have a thing about bottom humour and if it involves you walking in a way that clearly means you are suffering, so much the better!

Even worse your friends will start taking the p*ss which sets you off laughing and thus amplifies the discomfort.

Even the name is ridiculous! It sounds like the name for a Science Fiction movie!

The Invasion of the Haemorrhoids, don't miss the latest James Cameron blockbuster!

After a while it becomes necessary to visit the quack!

Oh dear, on goes the rubber glove and he says,' let me know if you feel any pain!'

Is this man an idiot?

Now don't get me wrong, my body has not been invaded by these aliens since my twenties, at the time I was a young bachelor who lived on beer and curries!

So after the man with the rubber glove had completed his examination he proudly announced that I had piles, well whoopee, clever these Doctors.

Tell me Mr Holmes about your diet,'Well doctor, 14 pints a day, a chicken vindaloo and twenty tabs(cigarettes).

Says he,' It's hardly surprising you have piles Simon,( getting familiar now he has visited my bottom!) with a regime like that!

So being a sensible person I immediately reduced my beer consumption to 7 pints, changed to chicken madras and cured the problem at no cost to the NHS.

Still on the twenty tabs mind!