Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Plastic Entertainment

For those of you who don't know, I live in a small market town in North Northumberland, called Alnwick.

It is the ancestral seat of the Percy family who live in a bloody great castle, just around the corner from my modest front door.

I am just recovering from the news that Her Grace the Duchess of Northumberland has appointed a Disney trained Frenchman, as Chief Executive of both Alnwick Castle and the famous Alnwick Gardens.

This announcement has been greeted by local people, with a spontaneous burst of indifference, which won't phase the Duchess one iota!

This man, full of irritating enthusiasm,has stated that he wants to bring you the Alnwick Experience, by this stage you can imagine, my heart has vacated my bottom!

'I intend bringing the fantastic local history alive', says he!

Oh God! Bus loads of plastic tourists buying plastic souvenirs,watching plastic historical re-enactments, eating plastic food,all charged at obscene prices by an avaricious Duchess, who will be in Antibe while all this crap is going on!

No doubt this bloody man will be being paid twice the GDP of the entire town and want to hire us serfs as 'The Alnwick Experience' guides.

Well all I can say is, Your Grace, shove it where the sun never shines!


  1. What a really interesting site you have.
    As an ex pat, the British expressions are unique and at times refreshing.
    I enjoyed reading and browsing the postings.

  2. Even the aristocracy have to stoop low to survive, this does not bode well for the hoi polloi.


  3. I love your sense of humor. I will be following your blog regularly.

  4. Simon,

    WWHD? That is, What Would Hotspur Do? Certainly no plastic sword, his. This is our time's trial -- slow death by over-organization and optimalized economics. Just think: how blessed you are to realize sham and to prophesy against it. Think of the 10s (100s?) of millions soaking in the delight of the Alnwick Experience, at least vicariously, through websites and virtual tours. They live in the darkness, my friend. And the Duchess, bless her livered scanties, gets weighed down not only with ducats but with a carapace of cynicism and buckets of nausea at her own bad faith. Mauvais foi, old girl! And good show, Master Simon!

  5. You would think that a local who's lived there all his/her life would be more suited to the job. But what do we know, we're only plebs.

  6. My heart goes out to you if they Disneyize Alnwick. Bobbles and trinkets, oh my! These days I suppose there is a price on everything. What a shame.

  7. Ahahah this one is funny :D

    Eating plastic food shile holding plastic souvenirs ! Okay, I can imagine that :)

    Keep posting ! Follow you !